My inner workings...

12:00pm: One of those months
Ever want to slap someone, shake them violently, and yell at them to wake up and see what's in front of them? Yea, I do. Would they listen to me? Probably not. All well, not my loss even though it pains me to see it and they don't.

And am I growing complacent with my life? Am I taking things for granted? What the fuck is wrong with me these days?

In other news, I started vocational school a few weeks ago. It's going well and I forsee myself getting out on time and with a good passing grade. The teacher is pretty cool. We've already had one person drop out, and I forsee a few more dropping out as well. What the hell are computer illiterate people doing in a CAD class? Did no one tell them that the whole thing would be on computers? I mean, honestly, some of these people can't follow a file path or save a file to the correct location.

Life outside of school is starting to settle down again. My buddy Jake started up a D+D campaign and it's been fun so far, but now if my dice would agree with me things would be even better. Seems when ever it's trival, I get a nice highnumber, but when it's vital or important, I roll like ass and fall flat on my face. In other gaming news, I went to Kingdoms of Novitas. I had an ok time, mostly because I spent the whole time as NPC after NPC. May game I should be able to PC some. I hope to start a work out program to help not only my physical shape, but to also improve my preformance at Novitas. I really need to get back into shape, and this is a good motivator for me. I know I need to pratice more, but that can wait until the weather warms up some and I can get other people out there with me. I need to bring myself up a notch or two.

Anyways, I should be getting back to class. I'll probably be updating more often in the near future, so I'll see you then

**After class Edit: Seems that drop out was mearly absent for a few days.

11:35pm: Jitters
Vocational school starts tomorrow at 8am.

Is this really the best thing for me? Only one way to find out.

11:45pm: Damned winter!
I hate Winter with a passion. It does funny things to me, like making me want to hibernate. First really cold day of the year and I had trouble staying awake. That and the Holidays always depress me for some reason, not sure why really, they just do. I'll survive, like every year.

Signing off:
Phil

P.S. Yo, guys, lets get some ideas out there for a game for next year. I'm up for anything, but I have a hankering for D+D, Star Wars, or just about anything WoD, new or old.

1:49am: So, a quiz or two to pass the time

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! Last Monday I stole charliesariel's purse (-30 points). In January I ruled Canada as a cruel and heartless dictator (-700 points). In August I committed genocide... Sorry about that, cowtessa (-5000 points). Last month on a flight to Vancouver, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). Last Wednesday chibiexpendable and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). Overall, I've been naughty (-5759 points). For Christmas I deserve a lump of coal! Sincerely, RagabashGW

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

.....what the hell?

8:54pm: Weeeee!
Well, it's that time of the week. Got some good news and nothing overly bad. Seems that Daniel will be going in for another scan in January, and if he still has reflux, then they are going to operate. Bad news is, well, that it's surgery. Good news is it's amazingly routine and he's had surgery before, so it shoulden't be all that risky. Anyways, things are starting to look up again. ^^

12:04am: Let us try this again...
*Looks at last post and deletes it*

Well, now that I've had that out of my system, lets try this whole LJ thing over again, shall we?

Things are sort of soso with me these days, but that's life. It has it's ups and it's downs, it's all a matter of how things are handled.

Ups:
Neecy has been talking things out with someone and has come a long way into figuring out why she does what she does, and has made some serious progress. We've spent a good deal of time talking, and I think now it's time to give things a second try and see if we can't make it work.

I've started back on to my meds full time again. Wow, what the fuck was I thinking? These things have leveled me out so much and helped keep me on an even keel and back to normal. Well, as normal as I get anyways.

Daniel is improving steadly as well. His new diet has had two effects on him and my family. First of he can't have processed foods, meaning we actually have to cook now. And for two it's made us all loose a little extra weight.

Sleep. Oh my forgotten friend how I've mised you so!

Downs:
My Meds have been making me sleep WAY to much and it has thrown my cycle out of whack. Every time I bump my dosage up I end up sleeping for 12 - 15 hours afterward for the next two days, and that puts me wide awake for another two, then so on and so forth. But once I'm done stepping things up I'll level out my cycle again come hell or high water.

I really wish the season change would HURRY UP ALREADY. I'm tired of having the sniffles all the damn time.


So yea, that about sums things up for me for now. Anyways, ciao and see you all later!

2:14am: What the fuck.....
I found out today that my son's kidneys are acting up again, and they are talking surgery now seriously.

When it rains in mother fucking pours.

2:23am: Something random....

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?

You are Gaius Caesar Germanicus - better known as Caligula!

Third Emperor of Rome and ruler of one of the most powerful empires of all time, your common name means "little boots". Although you only reigned for four years, brief even by Roman standards, you still managed to garner a reputation as a cruel, extravagant and downright insane despot. Your father died in suspicious circumstances, you were not the intended heir, and one of your first acts as Emperor was to force the suicide of your father-in-law. Your sister Drusilla died that same year; faced with allegations that your relationship with her had been incestuous, you responded, bafflingly, by declaring her a god.

You revived a number of unpopular traditions, including auctions of properties left over from public shows. When a senator fell asleep at one such auction, you took each of his nods as bids, selling him 13 gladiators for a vast sum. You attempted to have your horse, Incitatus, made into a consul and hence one of the most powerful figures in Rome. It was granted a marble stable with jewels and a staff of servants. At one point you forced your comrade Macro to kill himself - in much the same vein as your father-in-law - accusing him of being his wife's pimp. You, of course, were having an affair with said wife at the time.

Things went from bad to worse. When supplies of condemned men ran short in the circus, you had innocent spectators dragged into the arena with the lions to fill their place. You claimed mastery of the sea by walking across a three-mile bridge of boats in the Bay of Naples; kissed the necks of your lovers, whispering sweet nothings like "This lovely neck will be chopped as soon as I say so,"; dallied with your sister's lover and made her pull her unborn child out of her womb prematurely. Towards the end of your reign, you had a golden statue of yourself made and dressed each day in the same clothes you yourself wore. When you eventually died, the terrified people of Rome refused to believe that such a cruel reign could ever end, and believed you to be alive for years afterwards.

1:04pm: Why am I not suprised.....
Something more light hearted, given the negative bend of my last few posts. In relation to those...well things are looking up and down. let's just hope things keep looking up and not plummet into the usual abyss of utter shit my life seems to keep hitting. BUT this all does go along with my theory on WHY my life is crap a chunk of the time. I just hope I'm wrong this time....

You scored as WereWolf. WereWolf: Craving rare Meat, feeling caged, aggitated by being around people. Unable to control one's anger or temper. The person will give off symptoms of the shift. They will seem more hostile, blood thirsty, aggitated. They may even growl, bare their teeth or other animal like tendencies. In rare cases, some will physically change. Facial hair will grow thicker or darker, nails will become longer, canine's will seem longer. Embrace your wild side, for you are The Misunderstood WereWolf. </td> WereWolf 75% Faerie 67% Angel 58% Demon 42% Dragon 42% Mermaid 42% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

Why, oh why, am I not suprised?

2:15am: Question.
Am I wrong for being tired of only existing when I want to LIVE!

9:41pm: Statement of Fact
God hates me.

1:18am: Time Changes Everything
Well, I think I've hit that point that every adult person hits sooner or later. I need to come to terms with my life as it is now, and reconcile my past and hopefully make something new and wonderious out of what I have to work with.

Well, a little history about myself is in order.

Some of you may or maynot of known but my Mother was very controlling when I was younger, and my Father left us a long time ago. Now while her rules where simple, and she never grounded me, however she was my only source of rides, money, and sometimes encourgement. When she was displeased with me, I'd know it without her even lifting a finger. So, by her own hand, I got left out of many "normal" teenaged activities, like parties, dances, or romances that where somewhat functional. Now this lack of socilization, as well as my "ADD", led to several problems when I hit highschool. I had no idea how to operate in normal social setting. So, here I am, a slightly pudgy and pale person with no friends. Now, since I had to sports inclination at the time, and music wasen't my thing that left me few options in my area. So I fell in with the one group of people that would take me as I was: The Gamers. Now, dispite my horrid luck, I still ghame even though I've branched off into other things mostly because it's all I've ever known.

Now, since I really diden't have to many friends until the end of my Junior year, my ass did something unusual for a 17 year old. I enlisted in the Military. Do I regret it? On some levels yes, on others not at all. Yes, my time in stunk at times, but because of what happened there I am a better person. I have a real sense of civil duty, brotherhood, loyalty, putting others before myself, and a work ethic. It also helped me overcome the greatest fear I think anyone can have, the fear of death and the unknown. I do not fear death for myself anymore. I've lived a damn good life, and I've earned what ever is on the other side waiting for me, and when it's my time, it's my time. I'll embrace death like an old lover and lay myself down to slumber in her cool embrace. Now, like I said, I don't fear it for myself, I fear it for those around me. In the military I learned one thing. If you die, then those around you might die or worse. In a way I've applied this to my current life. If I die, then who will take care of my family? But recently events have taken a turn to remove that fear as well. I know now, should I leave, then they will be looked after.

Ahh, the Family. When I was 18 I met my wife to be in high school. We got married a few years later, and a little while after mmy son was born.

Now, on to why I am really writting this.

Recently I've been dealing with the thoughts and feelings of failure, being left behind, and not being good enough. See, I feel I've let just about everyone in my life down, and all those people that I know and counted on being there are moving on. What few friends I've gotten since my return to Syracuse, all where in college. One of them is in Arizona with a new job, and a second is going out there for an interview and I'm wishing the best for him. The others have all been running around like chickens with their heads cut off, and here I am, wondering what's going on with any of them. I know contact is a two way street, but often I feel like I'm bothering them when I try and contact them, so I stopped. I've been job hunting, but no one wants to hire a out of work Vet for non-seasonal work. College is the one area I'm proud of. I've never been one for school work, but I'm holding a 3.1 GPA. Yes, it's only a community college, but I feel like it's -something- to be proud of. My family? Well, my mother and stepfather are going to be moving to Oklahoma as soon as my grandfather passes away. I can't stand my aunt, or my wife's side of the family for the most part.

As for myself? Lets see. I've not lost any weight (although once I get a job and more active again that'll change), I've been sleeping for total shit, my diet blows due to the fact our great country encourages cooking from a box that's laden with preservatives, I have no job or money really, and I'm stressed to all hell. But on the upswing I might have a job soon, but on the down side I'd have to take night classes or online ones if I want to finish school. Goodbye what little social life I had left.

I think it's time for me to sit back, take a long look at what I have, and make a plan. I think it's time for this vet to work up the courage to finaly face one of the last fears he has: The fear of not knowing what tomotrrow will bring. Or maybe it's time to walk out from my sheltered life and see what the world has to offer. Or maybe I should start giving live 110% of myself. Perhaps working to make -myself- happy instead of others is the key. Who knows? Any of these could be right, or none of them. But you know what? Fuck it. I am who I am because of what's come before.

It's time I grabbed life by the short hairs and started taking control again.

10:13pm: Silly test untill I can do a more serious update later.

Take the World of Darkness Quiz
by David J Rust

Wow...my scores suprised me.

Vampire Score: 7 WereWolf Score: 2 Mage Score: 14 Wraith Score: 9 Changeling Score: 8

4:56pm: Ok, I'm a geek again and THIS proves it.
Ok ok ok...just to prove a point on how much of a gaming geek I am...

Ultimate Gamer!! GM says drop 2d10, aanndd... you roll 90% !

What, are you a first generation gamer? Did you own the brown box?! Whatever you do in your spare time, gaming seems to be your job. Either you looked up the answers or you're the best of the best, the type that makes other gamers strive to know more. Just don't let the knowledge overwhelm the newbies, it tends to push them from the hobby. We all bow before you. You are the living nat 20, congradulations. I'm going to flee the scene now ;)

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on dice

Link: The Real Gamers use Dice Test written by luminasita on Ok Cupid

8:26pm: Ok, I'm a geek...
Yea, I'm a geek posting online quiz results here...but this was so tempting..and proof you can never get rid of me for I am...

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

The one die you NEVER loose!

7:51pm: That first post.
Right when I started this journal I said it woulden't end up like so many others I've seen, well looks like my high ideals just fell short again as this is going to become a place for me to rant and let things off my chest.

Ok, here goes.....

First off some of you may of noticed my moods swinging and what not. Fear not, this is normal. Every now and then the stress builds and builds till it finally gets to me and I implode after lashing out at everyone and every thing. I'm sorry if I hurt you when I'm going through one of these phases, but I promise they don't last all that long...usually. I'm hoping I can get out here soon to an indoor field with Priss (My paintball marker, more on her later) and just rock and roll and let little bits of my stress go flying down range at my opponents. Sounds psychotic but it helps.

Second. For those of you that know me, you can probably see this. I care way to much about others and not enough about myself. I'll spend hours past when I should of gone to bed just to help a friend feel better, even if I've never met them in the meat. I think it's this lack of sleep, plus the stresses in my life that are causeing number one, but I'll live. I think it's time I started doing more for me, you know...little things. The small pleasures I left behind.

Third, the stressors. A quick run down of my life is probably in order. First off I'm married. Now, normally that's a relief of alot of stress in my case it's the source of most of it. Now don't get me wrong, I love my wife to death but sometimes she drives me crazy. She does so much work round the house and supporting us so I can go to school, but please, sometimes think before you speak. Add to this mmy son. I have a little boy. He turns 4 this year. I love him to death, but he's always around me, and refuses to listen to me because I'm not his mother. Now, I don't work, my wife is so I can go to school full time. This means I'm pretty much a stay at home dad. Only brakes I get is the times he's at the sitter, or we can work out arangements. Otherwise he's with me. Now, imagine what that does to your social life. Other things adding to this mess is that my wife dosen't get paid much, so I spend alot of time wondering if I'm gonna have the gas to get to school or not, if I can afford supplies..I think you get the idea. Add to the fact that last weekend I had to shell out more money then I care to think about cause of my car...yea. Bad times.

Now, time for some non-rant and more of my thoughts and workings...

Painball:
Hey! D-Day is coming up. July 9th and 10th to be exact! For those of you that don't know D-Day is a -huge- paintball game that's held down in PA. It's about 2 days long of almost constant playing. I've gone the past two years, and I -am- gonig this year. It's my big de-stressor event of the year. It's a reinactment of Normandy, complete with landing craft that are used in the first two hours to deliver the allies to the "beach" area. Last year we got a turn out of some 2700 players, divided into three teams (French, German, Allies). I've been German both years I've gone, so this year I think I'll lend my skills to the Allies. I usually end up goung with a buncha folks I met while I was in the Army and we all sign up for the same side (Go Jester's Quest!). Anyways, this reminds me of a few things I need to do. Priss has a broken body stud, normally not a big deal but it's the one that holds the hopper in place. She'll work without it, but I should send it in to Tippmann to get her fixed. Might as well have them look into why she's such a gas hog as well....it's either Priss or my tank. I'm hoping it's Priss. Oh right, Priss. She's a Tippmann A-5 with a carstock, drop forward, RT kit, double trigger kit, Flatline (Soon to be replaced with a Freak) and running high power air (4500psi 63cui) tank. I know it's greek to alot of you, but my fellow Paintball geeks will understand. She's my baby, never failed me and is a big part to why the Allies hated me. I was always easy to find, with my play style and Priss distictive sound. Some strange reason she's abnormally loud. Always has been. My play style? Fast and brash. Keep up the pressure and find gaps. Hit those hard and keep going. It's rather unsettling to see a dude crarging at you in urban camo and blowing out rounds at 8bps (balls per second, I can push the RT and get 13 but that's just nuts...I did it last D-Day), with no reguard for his own safty. Not sayin that's how I always play..I know stealth can be good, I mean with Priss I can drop a paintball in a soda can at over 300 feet.

Movies:
Classic Star Wars Trilogy = Good, New Trilogy = teh suxxors. I hate most netslang, so that last bit should say something.

Gaming:
Arcon 4 is coming up, and once again I've been suckered into running games for it. I'm running 3 games of 4 hours apiece. One of them is a BESM game with alot of the big name charaters from anime that theve done books on, as well as a few I've cooked up. Another is a classic BESM game. Nothing overly fancy, but there to show the systems flex ability. And lastly is AFMBE (All Flesh Must Be Eaten). That's the one I'm -really- looking forward to running, as I'm playing up every zombie movie I can think of. It's gonna be a slaughter fest.

I'm also pondering why the hell my friend is flippin out about me possably buying Savant and Sorcerer for Exalted. Seems he's got this strange hatred for the book, but seeing as Book of Three Circles is OOP looks like I'll have no choice.

I also need to make a new LARP char, and I'm leaning for a Tremmie, although if they let me squeek in with a Grel that would be awesome.

Books:
Will somebody, ANYBODY -please- write a new and good cyberpunk novel?

Music:
Why the fuck are people so snoody about music? I mean jesus christ, I'm no less of a person because I listen to rap AND metal. Fet your fucking heads out of your asses and take a look around. Your opnion is not shared by 90% of the world, dispite what you think, ASS.

WTF:
A boobie?

Relationships:
Here is a question I've been thinking about alot as of late. Why do we abuse/hurt those we love, and that love us? Is it human nature to try and see how much pain we can get away with before the other person snaps back? Do we do it to establish a invisable pecking order? Is it a way of gaining "control" when your life is so fucked up you don't think you have any? Is it just a power trip? An ego boost? Maybe someday I'll have an answer, but not tonight. Tonight I just pose the question and let you think about this.

One last Rant:
Why is it some people always feel like they are alone, like there is no one in their life? Why do people insist on walking down the long road of life alone, dispite that there are alot of people walking that same road. People, look around. You are not alone in this world. You are not an island. There are people that care about you. Stop putting blinders on yourself and see the world for what it is. Is it fair? Fuck no. Is it gentle? You fucking kidding? The world, and Mother Nature, is a cold harsh bitch that won't hesitate to suck out your soul and leave your body by the side of the road as a reminder of those who pass. Best way to deal with it is find others that know and care, band together and support each other. Then, and only then, will you all make it.

Alright folks, I'm about spent and I've been sitting here blogging for like an hour now. I think it's time I wrapped this entry up and move on. I do, in parting, want to say to those people who have been there for me thank you, and love ya! You know who you are you sexy people you!

Signing off
RagabashGW